Inside the head of a Nigerian politician
As a professor and the head of one of the important parastatal of the ministry in charge of the richest zones in Nigeria or Africa. I am in charge of a lot of money and with my fellow counterpart or as I call him in public my colleague, although when we get to the bar with the whiskey and pepper soup flowing with Brazilian girls with big buttock, gyrating their hips to our pleasure, I call him Pabio, it sounds like Pablo, and it also fitted into the description of what we do underneath. So, a lot of people think we are distributing funds to the Niger Delta people, a lot of people think we are constructing good roads and all that campaign nonsense, but in reality, we are just doing the normal thing that almost everyone before us has done. We are getting our share of the national cake. Oh! Before, I continue, it is important to tell you how I got here.
My name is not important, but you can get my bio by searching the internet on the fainting NDDC. I have been a professor in a Nigeria university for a while, to those of you that do not know, I certainly appear like the kind of person who would fail a whole class for making random comments while I give lectures, it took the grace of God for me to become a professor and thanks to my big league friends that helped me, and since I am in the big leagues now, and I have the title of professorship to support my claim. now I am well-read than even the governor of my state and my politician friend, Pabio. I have always supported Pabio, we did campaigns together and I even arranged money for people in my area to vote for him when he wanted to become governor, so when he became minister, it all fell into place, he owed me one.
With the connection of pabio and other Nigerian stakeholders that I have managed to walk with over the years, I got closer to Mr President, the old man at that. He did not realize that we were just putting him into a loop of the plans that I have already paid millions for. On the 19th February 2020, I was appointed the acting managing director of the Niger Delta Developmental Commission, it was not a big post as I have to report to Pabio, who will in turn report to the president, but since Pabio and I are friends, “we don arrange am”. When the first budget allocation came, Pabio and I did the usual and shared the national cake, we blocked every mouth that wanted to talk. I remember taking my family on our first trip to Dubai, we followed Pabio advise and did it lowkey but lowkey doesn’t mean to go broke, we got some Christian Dior, I don’t even know what it means, but I am giving my children and wife the life I promised them. From there, we sank more money into our pursues and it was all lovely. I am all about the fancy lifestyle now. No village witch can undo my God-given wealth. I even pay my tithes regularly, we have to keep the pastor’s mouth shut, we don’t want an uprising from hungry citizens. Coronavirus came and even more, money fell into our pocket, palliatives and relief funds, we kept them all. My wife and I had already started planning how 2021 would go, we were thinking about going to France, we need to change environment.
As July started, we all got the letter for a probe in Abuja by the national assembly, I panicked and met Pabio who told me everything was under control and that “na we dey control Nigeria”. As the probe started, for the first 3 days or so, that I arrived in Abuja, everything was working according to plan, but then Joy Nunieh started talking. She started saying all that she knew about Pabio, I have always had my reservation with that woman, at first I was shocked but as I spoke with Pabio that night he told me, that nothing can happen, that they are just news for the press. The next day, the senate took up the matter and that was how in no time, pabio snitched. PABIO! And I entered a covenant with that guy, to think I trusted him, what a shame! I was summoned for hearing at the probe and that is why I am writing this.
On Sunday morning, I prayed with my family. I was afraid because I’m to face the panel on Friday and I’ll be told to account for the money that I’ve almost finished spending. I called one of my co-conspirator and my lawyer and we went over what I was going to say. Then it was decided, I was going to say we used it for a project, after all, someone lied about a snake swallowing money in this same country, before this kind of panel and as absurd as it seems, nobody did anything.
Monday morning, I was dressed in my blue traditional dress, I had worn it once and my day went well then, so I decided to wear it again contrary to my wife’s opinion on wearing a suit. With a matching nose mask, I was going to lie in style. Abuja must not catch me unfresh. Arriving at the meeting, my lawyer was already present ( that is what I pay him for) and as we went over the plans once again, I saw Pabio enter in his car, we cannot be greeting each other not after what he had done to me. The potbelly Ibom idiot kicked me straight under the bus. It was time, and as I was entering the hall, a young man with a familiar northern accent came over and whispered into my ears that I should better be praying because he was ready to talk about how we spent money from 2019 budget, instantly sweat started rolling, I was not prepared for this, I thought we had thrown that account under the carpet forever. True to his words, when the panel started, I was asked about the money. As the committee head was speaking, I was thinking of what to do, in a moment, the only logical thing to do was to get out of there, if I should stand up, I will be declared guilty, and there is no response that I can give that the Arewa man has not gotten another question for. Damn the Hausas! I thought these people should be probing corrupt mallams and judges that take their wives on private jet trips, but no! it is me they want to focus on. I should have just joined I.P.O.B. maybe if this is Biafra all these things won’t be happening to me. As I was thinking, I heard the committee chairman, repeat the question, this time saying it in a way, that I cannot act like I did not hear. In that minute, I remembered what I use to do when my mum wanted to ask me who stole the meat in the pot and I did not want to answer. I FAINTED! Don’t be afraid it is not real, it was all I could gather together in few minutes, as the noise increased and I felt a hand on my face, I was happy for a second that my plans were working. Just then, I felt strong hands unclenching my teeth, my mother doesn’t do this to me, instead of you people to call Ambulance, you want to put your fist into my hand. I panicked because the person was causing pain to my fat face, and I tapped out, this wasn’t a WWE match, yet I tapped out. Damn! CPR failed me, this is what we get when people don’t concentrate in CPR classes, now I have to open my eye again. But at least, thank God he did not try giving me a Mouth to Mouth, I would have murdered someone right there, “na thief I thief, I no wan turn gay”. I had to keep up appearance and kept faking sick even after I tapped out. finally, an ambulance came and I got my ticket out of that hell hole. I know I am not free, but at least, let me restrategize and find who to blame for the money.
So that was the detailed account of those few moments you saw on television. Hope my acting was good though.
Your boy or perhaps give me some respect,
Your distinguished professor, and the acting managing director of NDDC ( I guess former should be in place).
YOU KNOW WHO
