FOR ME
I don’t even know why I’m writing this, maybe it’s the hidden depression, my impending “Sapaness” or just my overall uninteresting life. I started this year with so many expectations and ideas but here we are in June with little to almost no execution and the sad part is that I’m even too lazy to listen to anyone that might say “oh! Its not too late to start now”. I wasn’t always like this, I know I'm too young to be reminiscing about the “good old days” but for real though, I wasn’t always like this, I wrote stuff just because I was inspired and super excited about it. I worked because creating was fun and I enjoyed it. No excessive hope for money, no disturbance, maybe just school, and then I'm locked away working, learning how to build and market tech companies and I dare say, I am good at it. I just wanted to know and consume as much as I could.
But now, I am just a dry, working-class, relatively burnt-out individual. I really should explain the burnt-out part, I seem burnt out because I am not even inspired to write anymore, writing used to come so easy to me. I just sleep and wake up with something new to write, whenever I'm bored, the next thing is to get a new blasting topic to write about. Now, I still write, in fact I am writing now than I could have ever imagined. I am writing more than twelve thousand words per week but it's not for me. I’m just a donkey in the slave mill now, moving and rotating just for its master, day in, day out and that sucks.
So now that we have burnt out explained, I should really explain why I'm writing this to myself now. Why now? What’s my motive, someone reached out to me to ask about my Medium presence, and as I genuinely told him that I haven’t been active since the beginning of his year, I was hurt, but that’s not fully why, as per my plans after leaving school and even while starting his year, if all was working out well, I predicted that I should be in a much better space than I am right now. Oops! How far I am from that prediction.
I won’t lie, I was having fun with all these at first. I was getting paid before I left school, got a stable salaried job almost after school, started learning marketing and the whole venture capitalism structures for a tech company directly from some of the best people and I was making money. (And oh! I might have gotten laid off so that’s that about the money. Maybe, I need a new job now) Oh! Before I forget, I was building my own digital magazine/ creative collective, I even had plans on revamping my podcast to enable creativity to flow through me. It was fun! But along the line, I think I lost it. I got complacent in the fun and the comfort, and I became a cow that’s just getting milked off with no real input anymore, I know a lot about marketing and I have learned a lot more but where is my place on the table? Where!
To think WHERE should obviously show you there is a bit of insecurity in all of these things, and I admit, I'm insecure why won’t I? I took a behavioral test yesterday 17th and apparently, I have a big ego, so I know my future is bright (I can’t really get into how ego connects with a good future, just flow along with it), but the bright future seems very vague most times and that really really sucks. I really hate being blind and that’s mostly the state that I'm in, I am in a big hall, super vast, and it's just dark, and although I have a torch, it just couldn’t penetrate through the thick darkness and its only able to see just where my legs are already are and to my back. I'm insecure because the only thing I have going on for me isn’t really going. I don’t have much to say for myself in other aspects of my life. I hate animals, if you're not talking to me about work, we might not easily get along, my relationship is dying, and all I have is work which doesn’t even seem like I really have that dawg in me anymore.
Maybe this isn’t what I was planning to write, I don’t even know anymore, but I am sure these words within these pages are FOR ME.
